i hate saturdays and sunday mornings

i just do.

Heartbreak Diary Part 4

12:52PM. He just left. Leaving me like this before. Empty. I super hate this feeling. I want to promise myself I will not let him make me feel this way again. He's not worth it. I can't believe I'd let it happen again. I haven't learned! And now, I can't even encourage myself to go to church today. I'm so guilty. I'm so ashamed of myself, I have no face to show in God's Holy court. I was like stunned by a snake..paralyzed..I cant move. I thought I already won last fri when I had an excuse not to see him, but I didnt expect he'll come over yesterday..and my resistance was down when he's near. I didnt want to do the things I just did. I know he's just using me.. I can't feel he loves me, and when he left it's like nothing had happened. What a wretched girl I am! :'(

There Is More To Life..

* repost from my past blog in blogsite.. hehe ..so nice to remember this poem..


There Is More To Life..

There is more to life than working and getting paid..
There is more to life than daydreaming and wishing upon a star..
There is more to life than throwing parties and getting drunk all night..
There is more to life than being "in" the crowd..and having boyfriends and girlfriends ..
There is more to life than being beautiful..


Lord, what is more to life?
Please reveal it to me.
I know it already but can You make it sink in?
I have lived a life not worthy of You.
I've caused more harm than good.
I've brought You disappointment instead of pride.
I've caused so much disgrace..
Lord, let me come back to You..


What is more to life? It is living for Your glory..
It is more than waking up every morning and doing our daily work.
It's more than earning money and buying all the things i want..
It's more than satisfaction and having fun..
Then You asked me to look at all i have done, all that i have accomplished,
and You said, Everything, everything is just worthless.
Everything only lasts for a moment..
All will lost its value.. like a chasing after the wind.


Please let me remember the time when i first knew You,
Yes, give me that same fire and maybe more, the one that makes my heart burning for Your love..
I long to praise You in Your courts.
Carry me Lord in Your arms when i fall like this.
I know You have waited so long for me to come back..
Who wants to run from Your love?
Now i know there is more to life..
There is more to life..

Hertbreak Diary Part 3

11:00 AM. Again! Ahaha. But somehow I diidn't wake up thinking about him anymore. I didn't feel the hurt. Wow, this is amazing. I began to think of other activities I would want to join as the year 2010 welcomes me. I like to gain weight, be physically fit through kickoxing or the like, be more socially interactive, blog, blog, blog! and of course, be more involved in God's ministry. Aside from cellgroups, I want to join the music ministry,I think my talent in singing was given by God to be used there. I also want to shift company, be more financially stable. And more than anything else,I want to have a fresh, new start for God. I must admit I have taken for granted His Ministry because of my work. My current company is into consulting, and I am assigned in different places according to our client's location from time to time. Ok,so much for that, got to go! :D

Heartbreak Diary Part 2

11:28 AM. Again. I woke up at 11 in the morning! I slept at around 1am, but hey I always wake up @ 7am, my sleep interrrupted. Aaaarrggh. It's always like this. And everytime I wake up, it's hard for me to doze off again back to sleep. My first thoughts were, well, guess what, it's always him and it hurts!

I realized there's no magic word or spell to get ok. Even if I've already accepted it, my prayers can't instantly erase the pain. It's always a gradual process. I must deal with it. No one recovers from a broken heart overnight. Everyday, there are pieces needed to be healed. But what's important is that I'm letting God healed me. One day at a time. Slowly but surely. I know I will be well again. I'm dropping out every thought that puts him in the picure. It won't help me. I've got to move on. I've got to help myself. So, let me not think of him anymore, porsitive thoughts come in! I'm on my way to a better day! woooooohhh! ;)

Heartbreak Diary Part 1

I turned around and look at the time. 11:00 AM. I still don't want to wake up. I wish I could just sleep all day. Or I wish everything's just a dream, nothing is real. It's funny how with just one status of a person can break someone else's heart. But I need to get up. My world does not revolve around one person. I got up from my bed, and saw a sign on the wall:

"When I come to the end of my rope, God is there to take over."

I paused and reflect. I chose to go on and live not knowing what will happen next, than to be trapped in this hallow emptyness. If I'm going to end my life knowing the worst, I will not see the best that is waiting for me if I just chose to let God take over. Today, it's like getting to the end of my rope. But it's not really the end.. God is always there to give us a new start. Sometimes when things don't go our way, it's just a means of God saving us from being destroyed. I know God loves me. And I know I cannot survive the pain, but I can let it GO.. to God's Hands.

"Lord, let me renew my faith and devotion to You. I'm so sorry if I tried to go my own way, and ended up being a loser again. From now on, I will give my all to You. There's no turning back now..I cannot test You. You see evrything and even the unseen. You know me so much I cannot fool You. I know blessings awaits those who sincerely surrender all his/her life to You. I'm doing that now. I entrust to You my All. I love You so much, my Real Lover."

If I could buy time..

If I could buy time..
I'll buy the times when I was younger,
I will not lose the time that I had lost by doing unsignificant things..

I'll buy the times I could have served You, Lord, that I could have known You and share You.

I'll buy the times I could have been a better student and worker,
making my family proud, earning my integrity.

I'll buy the times I could have chosen true friends and not given up to peer pressure.

I'll buy the times I could have done something, said something, that could have changed today
but I did not.

if only I could buy time.. but I could not.
I can only have this time forward, no rewinds.

if i could buy time and change it, I'll change the way I choose my friends.
I'll change the way I choose to give my heart to.

But I only have this time forward..
and i chose to live and not mourn.
For I know, and still believe that God has a great Plan for me..
even though I have disappointed Him so much.

Despite all the failures and mistakes, He's always there to catch me.
He's not letting me go.

I thank God for giving me this time.. a time to reflect and let go..
and let Him take over.

No, I cannot buy time, but what really matters is what I'm gonna do with the time I have left.
If I spend my time wisely now..
maybe things will be different..
maybe things will have sense.